"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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