she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
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I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
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Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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