I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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