I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
