dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Barsexuality is the new black.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
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The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
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If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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