you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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