I cannot find my penis.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Semen is not good for contacts.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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