You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
How naked do you want me to be?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
