Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
