This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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