You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
