he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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