Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
we made out on top of his cat.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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