Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
