I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
