jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
