Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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