Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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