You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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