my phone needs a breathalizer
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
