At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
