DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My bed smells like the plague
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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