I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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