Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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