i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
