at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
