stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
