woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
