Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She told me I should be a condom model.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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