Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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