when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
