he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
