I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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