Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
