im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.