She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.