Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
