Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
