swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
