He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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