Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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