He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
