I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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