whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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