well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
