You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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