its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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