There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
