Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
