Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
