I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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