Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize