just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Can I color on your dick again?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize