Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
