dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
