If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
