My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
