i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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